Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Charmin and the Afterlife

Sunday was a day filled with missing Mom. I don't know why some days are harder than others, but Sunday was a tough day. 

That evening as I took a break from writing, the treadmill in the upstairs bedroom was whirring as Joe was walking, and I ran to the kitchen to grab a Diet Pepsi then stopped by the hall bathroom only to realize we were nearly out of toilet paper in there (sorry if that's TMI). I keep all of our Costco paper goods in the garage, so I headed down there. 

When I got to garage, I went to the shelf where we keep the toilet paper and I saw a silk flower arrangement of Mom's peeking from a box, still waiting to be unpacked and to find its place since we moved. And I just broke down. I stood there and cried and cried, missing her so much. And I asked God aloud if He would please give me some kind of encouragement about her...

Now, I worship God when He answers, and I worship Him when He doesn't. But when He answers quickly, and gives me just what I need, those times help sustain me through the "waiting room" stretches of life.

Sunday night as I slept, I dreamed. I dreamed I was on a bus headed somewhere, I don't know where. But I looked up ahead and I saw Mom standing with Jack on the side of the road, and I instinctively knew, in my dream, that she needed to give me something. So I asked the bus driver to stop. He did and I reached out the window to get what Mom was holding up. A pack of gum(!). That flat package kind where you push the gum out of its little pocket. Weird, I know. I have no clue... 

Anyway, as soon as my hand touched hers, I woke up in my dream. And I realized I was dreaming but I also realized that was Mom. The bus had already started moving again but I ran to the front and told the driver to stop. I jumped off and ran back and Mom was waiting for me, and we just hugged. I can still feel her arms around me right now, and what holding her felt like. So precious...

I don't have all the answers as to what awaits us on the other side, or in what to make of things like this. All I know is that I told the Lord of Heaven and Earth that I missed my mom, and He heard.

He hears you too. Every prayer, whether uttered or not. Every petition, whether whispered in a dark garage or amidst the hustle and bustle of a crowded mall.

A song I've recently come to love is one Mandisa and Matthew West sing. It's called Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry (click title to listen). The lyrics are beautiful.

As the song says, I think of Mary and the virgin birth, and I'm amazed at how much God thinks we're worth. That He would send His only Son to die, and sometimes Christmas makes me cry.

Wishing you blessings this Christmas, and maybe a few tears too. But ones of JOY!

Much love, friends...

8 comments:

  1. Oh Tammy. I wish I could give you a hug--here's a cyber hug from Kansas, girl. Thank you for being so "transparent" and for sharing your aches and pains with us. Praying for you, dear friend--and wishing you a very, merry Christmas, full of wonderful memories.

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  2. Julie Klassen12/21/2010 10:15 AM

    Ok, that made me cry. I'm missing my mom this Christmas, too. Thanks for the beautiful post, Tammy!

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  3. God is so good in our grief to bring us relief...an understanding...comfort..a vision of knowing that our loved is not really gone. He gives us peeks in to heaven or brings lovely things back to remind us our loved ones are with Him...a sweet scent, an arrangement of flowers...a dream.

    He did this for me too after my father went to be with Him...each time it was a blessing and an affirmation of God's love for me AND for my Dad.

    Thank you for sharing God's Christmas gift to you...a HUG from your Mom. :-) <3

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  4. Yes, thank you for sharing. Ihad a similar experience in 7th grade after my grandpa died. I was having horrendous nightmares and grieving in ways that are self-destructive (anorexia). One night, I dreamt that I was traveling in a plane. The plane landed, and of all places at at the church where Grandpa used to preach. I diembarked the plane.When I looked up there he stood, in the middle of the church yard.I asked him, "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Heaven." He looked at me and said that He came to tell me everything is going to be all right and that he doing was fine--and not to be sad.After that dream the nightmares stopped. It's been 12 years since his death, and I still experience days where I miss him so much. But, I always remember that dream and I know that God used it to bring peace. I'm glad that God helped you out through the dream.

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  5. For many years, my mom walked with a cane and for the last year or so of her life, she walked with two. After she passed away, I saw her in a dream in the back yard of where I grew up, walking, with no aid of any kind--just as beautiful as I remembered her to be and totally unfettered. I've dreamed about her once or twice since then and each time the dream gave me comfort. I lost her in February of this year and I praise God that I had the time with her that I did, and for the glimpses of her since. Thank you for your post, it really spoke to me too.

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  6. Thank you, friends, for walking this road with me. I'm so grateful we're in this together! I treasure your comments and am praying for each of you by name tonight...

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  8. Dear Tammy, I love you sweetie and pray for the Lord to help you to hang on to those precious memories of your Mom, I lost mine a few years ago and then my Daddy, and while the memories sometimes bring me such beautiful thought they can seem bittersweet too, This song is beautiful and while it brought tears to my eyes, it also filled my heart with a
    deep blessing.. thank you for sharing it with me.. I hope to find it and make it a part of my home library.
    you are always in my heart and prayers,
    God bless, hugs and prayers always, Marti

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